The Yank Tank That Conquered Canada (and my Wallet)

Alright, you petrol-sniffing heathens, gather ’round and listen to the tale of another behemoth that lumbered its way into my life for a fortnight of trans-Canadian adventures: the 2023 Jeep Wagoneer. Now, before you start reaching for your pitchforks and torches, muttering about American excess and gas-guzzling monstrosities, hear me out. This thing is…well, it’s quite something.

Size Matters (and This Thing is Massive)

First things first, this thing is an absolute UNIT. I’m not talking “oh, it’s a bit bigger than my usual hatchback” kind of big. I’m talking “could comfortably house a small family of yetis in the boot” kind of big. Bigger than the Ford Expedition that I drove some months back and that one is not small at all. Driving this thing in Canada felt like piloting a luxury yacht down the Thames. You tower over everything, and I swear I saw a terrified moose faint dead away when I pulled up next to it at a set of traffic lights.

The Engine: A Symphony of Petrol-Powered Fury

Now, despite its size, this beast moves. Under the bonnet lurks a 420 HP engine that, when paired with the gearbox, is more responsive than a caffeinated meerkat. Overtaking those lumbering Canadian trucks? A mere flick of the ankle. Merging onto the highway? A gentle squeeze of the right foot, and you’re catapulted forward like a champagne cork from a shaken bottle. It’s a glorious, intoxicating feeling, like being chased by a bear but knowing you’ve got a rocket-powered scooter.

Comfort: Like Sitting on a Cloud (a Very, Very Large Cloud)

Cruising in the Wagoneer is an experience in itself. The seats are like armchairs handcrafted by angels, and the ride is smoother than a freshly-waxed bowling alley. I spent two weeks traversing the pancake-flat expanse of Canadian highways between Niagara Falls, Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal, clocking over 2,500 km, and emerged feeling like I’d just had a full-body massage. Even the notoriously bone-jarring potholes of Montreal couldn’t ruffle this car’s feathers.

People Actually Liked It (The Weirdos)

Here’s the thing I didn’t expect: people actually liked this car. Canadians, bless their flannel-clad souls, are generally a polite bunch, but I was genuinely surprised by the number of complete strangers who felt compelled to tell me what a “nice car” I was driving. Maybe they were just relieved I wasn’t piloting another lumbering pick-up truck, or perhaps they were mesmerized by the sheer size of the thing. Whatever the reason, it was a welcome change from the usual sneers and derision I get when driving anything with a hint of luxury with all kind of bells and whistles like wireless Android Auto, seat heating and cooling, steering wheel heating and many more.

Luxury: Because Who Needs a House Anyway?

Let’s be honest, the Wagoneer isn’t aiming for the “budget-conscious family car” market. This thing is dripping with luxury, from the acres of leather to the panoramic glass roof that stretches all the way to the third row. Speaking of which…

Space: The Final Frontier (of Legroom)

The third row in this thing is practically palatial. Seriously, it’s almost as spacious as the second row, which, by the way, has only two captain’s chairs, making access to the third row a breeze. You could comfortably fit a basketball team back there, and they’d probably still have room to practice their free throws.

Now for the Bad News (Brace Yourselves)

Okay, it’s not all sunshine and roses. This Yank Tank has its quirks, and by quirks, I mean some truly baffling design choices.

Automation? What Automation?

First up, the automation is, shall we say, lacking. When you stop the engine, it goes into Park, but the car itself doesn’t actually stop. You need to start it again and stop it AGAIN to confirm the Park position. It’s like the car is second-guessing you, which, frankly, is a bit insulting.

The Handbrake: A Blast from the Past

And then there’s the handbrake. Oh, the handbrake. It’s…manually electronic one. As in, you have to actually pull a lever to engage it. No fancy electronic buttons or automatic engagement here. It’s like stepping back in time to the Stone Age of motoring. Does not engage when you stop the engine or open the door. Or if you decide to start driving, nope, always there to be reminded off.

Running Boards: A Permanent Fixture

The running boards, those handy steps that help you climb into this behemoth, are permanent. They don’t retract when you start the car. It’s like wearing your slippers to a black-tie event.

Fuel Economy: Prepare for Bankruptcy

And let’s not forget the fuel consumption. This thing drinks petrol like it’s going out of fashion. I swear, I could hear my bank account weeping every time I filled up the tank.

Parking? Forget About It

Oh, and did I mention the height? This thing is TALL. Trying to find a parking spot in downtown Ottawa was like trying to thread a needle in a hurricane. Most parking garages have a height limit of 1.8 meters, while the Wagoneer stands a proud 2 meters tall. I ended up parking only in open areas, that are not so many around downtown. The car was happy, I was less so.

Bings and Bongs and No Explanation

Finally, the Wagoneer loves to beep and ding at you. Constantly. And for no apparent reason. No warning lights, no messages on the dashboard, just an incessant symphony of electronic nagging. It’s like living with a hyperactive woodpecker.

The Tailgate mystery

Not sure what they been thinking, but the tailgate is a bit of a misterry. There is no button outside, on the tailgate or on the door to open or close the thing. Might be somewhere those buttons but not where you would expect to be. In the end, I just figured out that holding the button on the key would open and close it. No other solution found. One more to add, the car is tall, tailgate is huge but you need to be carefull if you are around 1.9m tall as you will hit your head on it as does not go that high up when opened. Very strange.

Warning Lights and Oily Mysteries: Jeep’s Surprise Gift

Just when I thought I’d seen it all, the Wagoneer threw another curveball – a terrifying “Max Engine Oil Level Exceeded Immediate Service Required” message plastered across the dashboard. Now, I wasn’t expecting a brand-new rental with only 15,000 km on the clock to throw a hissy fit, but this is a Jeep we’re talking about. Logic doesn’t apply.

Panicked visions of engine explosions and wolf attacks filled my head. Avis, bless their souls, advised me to visit a service center (at their expense, thankfully). Turns out, it was just a bit too much oil. Easy fix, but still unsettling.

Apparently, this beast has no dipstick, just an electronic sensor. So, if the sensor malfunctions, you’re basically driving blind. It’s like they took a perfectly good SUV, crammed it full of tech, and then forgot to include a basic way to check the oil. Don’t know if this is good or bad, time will tell.

Final Verdict: A Love-Hate Relationship

So, there you have it. The Jeep Wagoneer: a car of contradictions. It’s massive, luxurious, and surprisingly fun to drive, but it’s also thirsty, quirky, and prone to electronic tantrums. Would I recommend it? Well, if you’ve got a large family, a penchant for long road trips, and a healthy disregard for fuel costs and parking restrictions, then maybe, just maybe, this is the car for you. Just be prepared to embrace its eccentricities and invest in a good pair of earplugs.

Jeep Wagonner Series II
Fuel: bezin
Power:  420 HP
Model: 2023